


Black Fried Egg

by MistyBeethoven



Series: Strange Couchfellows [23]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Assassins & Hitmen, Bad Cooking, Black Friday, Bread, Crossdressing, Eggs, Gen, George Foreman, Shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21596785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: When John Wick wants to go Black Friday shopping, the Administrator is his reluctant accomplice.
Relationships: Administrator & John Wick
Series: Strange Couchfellows [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1374988
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	Black Fried Egg

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Foxley45](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foxley45/gifts).



> For the darling Foxley45 whom has supported me in both my Gotham and John Wick endeavors! Thank you so very much!
> 
> Before you read this one everybody, please check out the preceding Thanksgiving Day special if you haven't! It turned out rather well methinks! :D <3

Standing outside of the Administration Building, just free of his Thanksgiving Day shift at work, the Administrator was surprised when a familiar looking Pontiac sped up to meet him with a familiar looking face behind the wheel.

"Get in!" John Wick commanded as he used his long leg to kick open the passenger side's door.

With the speed of a man afraid he'd be seen with the world's most wanted fugitive, which the bureaucrat was, the Administrator threw himself into the vehicle, crouching over so he would not be seen.

Not the tallest of people to begin with, the man did not need to crouch over too much.

"What the hell?" he exclaimed. "I thought you told me you'd return this car when I was at work!"

"Yes," the assassin replied, careening down the street. "But that was before."

"Before what?"

John Wick turned to look at him in somber earnestness. "Before I saw George Foreman grills on for $9 downtown."

The Administrator cursed as he turned to look out his window. Wick's reportedly most treasured belonging (besides mementos and photographs of his dead wife) that had gone up in flames when his house had been utterly destroyed had been a George Foreman grill. The odd thing about it, however, was the fact that the hitman had confessed he had never actually gotten around to _use_ the damn thing. Relying on Helen's cooking skills had been either due to John Wick's fondness for her or his habitual laziness. Still the stupid cooking appliance had become an obsession with the assassin.

And John Wick did not easily let go of his obsessions.

"It will be Hell in there!" the bureaucrat turned around, warning his companion. "Pushing, kicking, beating, hair pulling...it will make what you've been through look like a vacation, John Wick."

"I don't care," the tall man countered with foolish bravery.

"Fine. But I'm going in; You stay in the car."

Wick shook his head. "We stand a better chance of getting one if we _both_ go in."

"And what if you're recognized?"

The Administrator's worries were not assuaged when the fearsome Baba Yaga turned to him and soothed, "I come _prepared_."

* * *

How John Wick had managed to get a hold of one of Mrs. Milner's dresses the Administrator did not bother to ask; nor did he desire to find out. That it fit the hitman reasonably well was also a bit of a surprise but likewise not something the bureaucrat wanted his mind to linger on.

"How do I look?" John Wick asked after placing a long blonde wig on his head and a pair of sunglasses over his eyes in a parking lot close to the store selling the grill. It all went well with the blue frock imprinted with small white flowers but there remained one slight problem.

"The stubble is a bit of a give away don't you think?" the bureaucrat criticized.

"We live in New York," Wick stated, placing a hand on his roommate's shoulder. "Not Shueyville, Iowa."

The Administrator tilted his head in agreement as John's large hand grabbed a hold of his own and pulled him forcefully in the direction where his George Foreman endorsed product was hopefully still waiting for him.

When they entered the store, it was a sight of pure chaos just as the High Table servant had feared. People were on the verge of killing one another while the store's speaker system was playing some Christmas ditty about it being a Silent Night. Silence was the last audible thing within the building's four walls however: The screams and shouts of angry shoppers rang through the air as cacophonous as dented bells on Santa's sleigh. Add the reindeer having a bad case of gas alongside it all and the Administrator believed anybody would have a decent picture of the hades John Wick had dragged him in to.

"Can we leave?" the short man pleaded loudly. "I'll personally kidnap George Foreman and have him cook you your own fucking meals if we can?"

John ignored him as he was common to do. "There it is," he announced, pointing to one lonely grill left sitting alone on a display table very far away.

The Administrator groaned as he followed the in drag assassin on his way to the coveted sale item.

Never in his time spent with the assassin had he witnessed the man put his skills to better nonviolent use.

When an elderly woman tried to hit him in the groin, John picked her up with a sweep of his hands and carefully deposited her dizzy and confused self to his left. When a twelve year old kicked him, John Wick merely pulled the brat's baseball cap over his eyes, leaving him momentarily blinded. When a pregnant woman, (well at least the Administrator thought she was pregnant; it being Black Friday one could never tell for sure what was a ploy or not) tried to trip him, Wick simply shouted out that she'd gone into labour resulting in people either rushing to her aid or getting as far away from her as possible.

Finally at the Grill, John Wick held it triumphantly in the air as the Administrator stood behind him. Triumphantly that is until his wig came off and everybody in the crummy store recognized whom the fake blonde had been the whole time.

"JOHN WICK!" they screamed in unison.

Suddenly nothing in the store interested them as much as the wanted assassin with the fourteen million plus bounty on his now once again dark-haired head.

Cowering behind and under the Baba Yaga's blue dress to avoid being identified, the Administrator peeked out to watch as John Wick made his way back to the exit, the grill still under his arm. The pregnant woman broke away from the people surrounding her and instantly lost her belly when she pulled out a gun hidden inside of it and started to fire at John. The Baba Yaga deflected the bullets by holding up a frying pan on sale for $3 and then proceeded to smack her in the face with it. To both Wick's and the Administrator's disappointment they discovered that the sound and visual effects used to represent such an action in various cartoons had all been lies; the only sound was a dull whap, matched by her hitting the floor.

The twelve year old turned out to be a dwarf whom was rushing at John Wick with a knife. The bureaucrat under Wick's dress wondered if he could pass the man off to Winston as a turkey thief. The thought was short lived as John used his sunglasses to truly blind the other assassin and then kill him with his own knife.

Almost to the door, John was attacked by the elderly woman, whom really was just an elderly woman, but the Administrator popped out long enough to punch her straight in the face.

"Thanks," John Wick said, getting used to the word.

"No problem," the bureaucrat said returning to his hiding place.

Their stealthy escape was interrupted, however, as they bumped into their neighbor, Mrs. Milner herself, right outside of the store's entrance.

"Why hello there," she greeted. "I'm ever so thrilled the dress fit."

"I'll return it as soon as I get back to the apartment," John Wick replied politely.

"Take your time," she replied.

Seeing the bulge at the back of the dress, Milner lifted it only to find her other neighbour there.

"Hello Mrs. Milner," the Administrator greeted sheepishly.

"Oh, honey, you two got it bad _huh_?" she cooed sympathetically "That's what you wanted it for? Incognito? Can't save it just for the apartment?"

The small bureaucrat blushed, pulling the dress back down around him.

"Is that a George Foreman Grill?" he heard Mrs. Milner ask.

"Yes," John Wick replied. "The last one."

The woman sighed. "Guess, I'm off to Macy's then. Have fun under there honey."

Once they were at a safe enough distance away, the bureaucrat broke free of his prison, and grumbling, stomped towards the parked Pontiac, where he climbed inside and slammed the door shut. John Wick soon joined him, handing him the item. The Administrator turned to see the assassin sitting behind the wheel wearing a dejected frown.

"What's wrong now?" the bureaucrat asked.

"I forgot to pay for it," John stated sorrowfully.

The Administrator opened his mouth to offer prickly words of comfort when he looked at the box in his tattooed hands. "Doesn't matter," the Administrator reassured. "Read the box."

The bureaucrat watched as his companion read the words written on the packaging: George Fourman Girl.

"Are they trying to tell me that George Foreman was a woman?" John Wick asked not comprehending.

"No. I'm trying to show you that it's a bootleg and a piece of junk hardly worth paying for in the first place. The store was trying to _steal_ from you."

"Oh," Wick said furrowing his brow and staring blankly ahead in deep concentration.

Often when John would do this the pierced little man by his side would wonder what he was thinking of: his sad past, his current on-the-lamb existence or the many other injustices in the sorrow filled world...

In this case none of those it seemed.

"I'll need bread, eggs and butter," the hitman simply stated as he turned the key, started the engine and headed to the nearest grocery store.

* * *

The Toad in the Hole which John Wick placed before the Administrator featured a very black and burnt Toad. Whether this was from a cheap bootlegged grill (you get what you pay for, after all, or in this case what you _don't_ pay for) or Wick's horrible culinary skills the Administrator could not say. He could also find no logical explanation as to why John was sitting down beside him, happily devouring the piece of charcoal which far more resembled the ashen remains of the house where he used to live with Helen than actual food.

"How can you eat that?" the bureaucrat asked in an odd mixture of repulsion and fascination.

"Because I made it," John declared proudly before sending another forkful on its way to his mouth.

Looking at the plate before him, the Administrator picked it up and began to consume it for the same reason.

Many people could claim, if they were still able to, that John Wick had been the one to send them to their sweet, or not so sweet, hereafter. He doubted many people could claim that they had eaten one of the Baba Yaga's dishes and still say the same.

As he chewed his first bite, the Administrator was not so sure that he would be able to either.

**Author's Note:**

> My sis bought a Rocky II dvd once from a pawn shop, saying it starred some guy called Sylverter Stallone, whomever that was, and that it was rated "R" :/
> 
> The Christmas special will likely feature the Administrator in a dress and is slated to be called "Missile Toe."
> 
> Okay...so this is the Ad & John dream I had a few nights back.
> 
> They were in their own mini-web series, very much like Strange Couchefellowes, sharing an apartment together. In this episode, they had some female visitor over to the apartment. Ad was sitting on the couch with her while John was sitting in a chair. Suddenly Ad mentioned he'd have to leave in order to get his medication for a bad docking experience from years ago. John said something regarding docks, wharves and boating, ignorant of what the little guy was actually referring to. The Administrator than looked adorably embarrassed.
> 
> I was so happy to have an actual dream with them since they don't have any actual scenes together. This was the closest thing to the real deal and I'm happy it was cute and made some sort of sense, at least! :D <3


End file.
